Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
