she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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