the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
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