I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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