I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
