Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
