I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
