Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
