i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
