Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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