Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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