So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
