When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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