My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My vagina just clenched in fear
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
