Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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