my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
