people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
