I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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