Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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