Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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