you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
