i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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