Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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