Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
