Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
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