remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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