Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Bring me that man meat
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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