i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize