Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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