There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
