Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
