Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
