My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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