My underwear smells like fireworks.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
The struggles of a small town man whore
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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