I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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