"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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