While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
