She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
