these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
