My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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