so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
