Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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