last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
