thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
