Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
