Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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