so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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