Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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