Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
