o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
