We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
