I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
We are two peas in an std pod
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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