if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
