Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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