On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
