remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
