I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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