my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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