Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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