3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
