I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
