Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize