Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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